What they're getting in porn is a really distorted vision of what human sexuality is. #nohomo." It was just a way that allowed them to be fully human. #nohomo," or even something as innocuous as, "I like chocolate ice cream. So they would say, like, "I miss you, man. It was also a protective shield that allowed them to express just really basic human ideas about affection and joy. Pascoe, who is a sociologist in Oregon, had done a survey of the way boys use that hashtag on Twitter. And I also was really interested in "#nohomo." C.J. But I think that word - that slur for gay - is what kind of draws the lines of the "man" box for boys.Īnd it is basically the fear of being called that shuts down any objection to stepping up and standing out. And it had become basically a slur on masculinity, not so much a statement of sexual orientation. That they had gay friends, that they weren't homophobic, but they use that word all the time. But what they would say to me - this is straight boys talking - is that they would never say that to a gay person. On boys' use of homophobic epithets, such as f**īoys used that word, that epithet for a gay person, a lot with each other. They would talk about training themselves not to feel or training themselves not to cry.
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how to build a wall inside to block off any feelings except, maybe, happiness and anger. And a lot of guys would say to me that they had figured out. And they would talk a lot, particularly about. It was still all about stoicism, sexual conquest, dominance, aggression - or this weird combination of being both aggressive and chill - athleticism, wealth. And when we would do that, it was like they were channeling 1955. But I would ask them all the time to just give me a kind of lightning round of the ideal guy. They saw girls as equals and deserving of their place on the playing field and in class and in leadership, and they had female friends.
NPR Ed What Teens Really Say About Sex, Drugs And Sadness "Vulnerability is basically essential to human relationships, so when you cut boys off from the ability to be vulnerable, you're doing them a huge disservice." "That idea of emotional vulnerability was so profound for boys," Orenstein says. One interviewee confided that he preferred to partner with girls for school projects because, "It was OK to say you didn't know what you were doing with a girl, and you couldn't do that with a guy." Orenstein says the boys she spoke with felt constrained by traditional notions of masculinity. Maybe that's why the young men she spoke to were so eager to open up: "When they had the chance, when somebody really gave it to them and wasn't going to be judgmental about what they had to say, they went for it." Orenstein notes that society doesn't often give boys "permission or space" to discuss their interior lives. "With boys, it felt like they were being cut off from their hearts." "When I was doing the girl book, the kind of core issue with girls was that they were being cut off from their bodies and not understanding their bodies' response and their needs and their limits and their desires," she says. Her new book, Boys & Sex, is based on extensive interviews with more than 100 college and college-bound boys and young men of diverse backgrounds between the ages of 16 and 22. Shots - Health News 'Girls & Sex' And The Importance Of Talking To Young Women About Pleasure But then came the #MeToo movement, and Orenstein, whose previous books include Girls & Sex and Cinderella Ate My Daughter, decided it was time to engage young men in conversations about gender and intimacy. Orenstein spent 25 years chronicling the lives of adolescent and teen girls and never really expected to focus on boys. "If we don't talk to our kids, the media is going to educate them for us, and we are not going to love the result." They spanned a broad range of races, religions, classes and sexual orientations.Įditor's note: This interview contains a homophobic slur.Īuthor Peggy Orenstein knows that talking to your son about sex isn't easy: "I know for a lot of parents, you would rather poke yourself in the eye with a fork than speak directly to your son about sex - and probably he would rather poke himself in the eye with a fork as well," she says.īut we don't have "the luxury" to continue avoiding this conversation, she says. between the ages of 16 and 22 on intimacy, consent and navigating masculinity. Author Peggy Orenstein's new book, Boys & Sex, is based on extensive interviews with more than 100 college and college-bound boys and young men across the U.S.